Good Grief, Bad Grief
I recall something my aunt said when Grandma passed away three years after my Grandpa. "When you lose both your parents, you feel like an orphan." Now I know what she meant. I do feel like an orphan. I am no longer someone's daughter. I will never hear my parents' voices or feel their hugs ever again. No more Sunday lunches at their house. No more Christmases or birthdays to celebrate together. It is over. Final.
The good part of grief: I value what they taught me even more than I already did. The importance of being strong for others when they need you. The value of hard work and perseverance. Believing in God. I feel compelled to preserve their legacy and pass it on to my children.
The bad part of grief: I find myself wanting to withdraw from the world sometimes. The pain of losing my parents never completely goes away. I feel like Buffy the Vampire Slayer when she talks about "going through the motions" as she carries out her slaying duties after her life-altering experience in the TV show. There is a connection that is permanently missing in my life and all I can do is make new connections or stregthen existing ones to surround the empty hole so it doesn't get any bigger.
Writers block is plaguing me at the moment. I am close to finishing my novel, but life and all its ups and downs are making it hard for me. I am grateful to the readers who have supported my two poetry books and to those who have given me words of encouragement to keep on writing. Patience with myself is something I'm still working on.